Scoff by Owen Townend

           

The royal family were quick to accept the role of 'prize' on The UK's Finest Fillets TV show.

            When the family sat down to sample the cod of Ezra Williamson, the Duke of Edinburgh made a passing comment. Unusually everyone was inclined to agree with it: if only they could organise a meal like this every year.

            A proper meal, of course, requires a dessert. The Rule Britannia Cake Bake had been going strong for a little under a decade and the Duke of York had admitted to fancying a lemon drizzle cake made by an ambitious minority.

            An agreement was reached with the producers and the Duchess of Cambridge was volunteered to sample the winner of that year: an overly-rich upside-down cake. She had to prove her worth somehow.

            When it was agreed that a prolonged deal would be worthwhile, more family members became involved. However there was one dish missing: the starter.

            A new niche was discovered: England's Green and Pleasant Salads. The royal family had to fund this show themselves initially but the British public ate it right up, so to speak.

            The Queen herself sampled the victorious Peach, Pancetta and Mozzarella Salad. As soon as it was revealed that the culinary artist was openly effete, most of her older male relatives were promptly kept away.

            It took some years to carefully marshal all three shows' conclusions to the same date but it was achieved without much notice. The average watcher thrived in flipping channels to catch up with the latest tray slips, collapsing dough and general drama. 

            At last the royal family had their desired three course meal. Furthermore the salad competition was paying tremendous dividends. In spite of its ravenous beginnings, their dinnertime plan turned out to be a sage business venture.

            That all being said, the meal was found to be more filling than originally hoped. The Queen herself was particularly discomfited: her appetite has shrunk with age.

            Her husband, sons and grandsons however are now eager to eat the best sandwich that their subjects can create.

            The next show title is expected to involve a pun on the famed Earl.